Coward
by Clementine17
Summary: Harriet really does wish that she wasn't such a coward. HarrietDanny with some HarrietMatt and JordanDanny.


People always forget that it is Danny who discovered her. She doesn't blame them, but she doesn't understand why people are so shocked by it. It's as if they think no one else, but Matt would have been able to find her funny. For this reason she is happy that Danny was the one to find her. She's afraid that if it had been Matt people would have dismissed it, they would have blamed love or made jokes about how that was his plan to win her. It isn't as if there aren't enough jokes about them as it is. People barely hear about who comedians are before their big breaks. But she worked for it. She devoted her life to comedy and it took a long time for there to be any benefits, but she got there. Now it's been eight years since she met Danny and she has her head on his lap in a hospital waiting room.

It isn't like she's never been in this position before. Dating Matt meant that she spent almost as much time with Danny as she did with Matt. It's just that now that she and Matt have been broken up for much longer than ever before, she wonders if this is still appropriate. When she was with Matt people never questioned her relationship with Danny. In fact, people were too busy discussing her relationship with Matt to even notice how close she and Danny were. It was always like that though. Whenever it came to Matt, Danny usually got pushed into the background. She knows that Danny prefers it this way, but she still feels a bit guilty knowing how much she has contributed to this. By the time Matt and Danny became famous, Danny's cocaine addiction was old news and she and Matt had already entered into whatever the hell it was that they had. The press had loved them and at every wrap party they would be bombarded, while Danny would sit at the bar nursing a seltzer water.

That was what he was drinking the night they met. He was in the back of the club when she performed. The only reason she remembers this is because she had served him the drink two minutes earlier. She had to keep a "real" job in order to pay her bills and the club was the most convenient. She would serve drinks, get fifteen minutes of stage time, and then go back to the bar. She doesn't remember what jokes she performed; she wishes she did. Danny remembers, she's sure of this, but is too embarrassed to ask him. All she remembers is that she killed. The audience had actually laughed when they were supposed to and she left the stage feeling completely content. Looking back on it, she wonders if she actually felt this way or if she is just glorifying it.

Danny walked right up to her after she was done. She had already gone behind the bar and he leaned on the old wooden counter to talk to her.

"You're funny," he said in a tone that was surprise mixed with arrogance. It was as if his opinion mattered more than anyone else's and she should take his words as the truth. Oddly enough, she did and she distinctly remembers blushing at his comments. After this it is all a blur. She remembers him giving her his card and scheduling the audition, but now it all feels like a movie, like she is watching all of this happen to someone else.

The audition went horribly. She was so nervous that she slipped and fell three times and could barely get her lines out in the sketch they gave her. She lingered in the hallway of the theater for a couple moments and then left knowing that she would never step in there again. No one called the next day and she remembers actually thinking that she wasn't even worth a phone call from them. She was wrong. Danny came into the club that night and told her to quit. The glass she had been holding dropped and she launched herself into his arms. He didn't pull away. This memory may be the clearest of all of them because she knows that it was odd. Yet, hugging Danny then felt as natural as hugging him now did. All of her interactions with him felt natural.

She quit right then and then walked out into the street with him. They stood uncomfortably together for a moment and then he asked her if she had anyone to call. She shook her head and bit her lip, because when you move to LA from Chicago and are desperately trying to make it as a comedian friends get pushed to the back. She told him this, except she used many more words and talked too fast. He cocked his head for a moment and then said that she needed to celebrate so he was taking her to get ice cream. Now she knows it was ice cream because he is an alcoholic, but at that exact moment all she knew was that this man from Studio 60 had just hired her and was offering to buy her ice cream. So she kissed him.

He kissed back for a moment and then pulled away. They both smiled uncomfortably and an apology was on her lips when he took her hand and led her to the ice cream store. There he bought her the largest ice cream she had ever had and they talked until three o'clock in the morning. He walked her home and told her he would see her at work. It is still the best date she has ever been on and it wasn't even a date. They have never spoken about the kiss and she has never told anyone else about it. She showed up for work the next day and met Matt, but everyone knows that story.

There had only been two people to ever notice that she and Danny could ever be considered more than the girlfriend and the boyfriend's best friend. The first person was Wes Mendell. Wes will always be a God to Matt and Danny and to her he will represent everything she loves about comedy. The second week she was there he came up to her after seeing Danny congratulate her on a good show. He didn't even bother trying to cushion it, just said, "He's been through way too much for you to fuck around with him. Be nice." The warning would have served better for her and Matt, but Wes always noticed things that others did not. The next time they spoke about it she and Matt had just broken up for the first time. It was at a wrap party and Danny was avoiding her, while Matt had chosen to go home with Jeannie. She had been trying to get Danny's attention all night, but he was steadfast in sticking to Matt when it came to the breakup. Wes had come up behind her and she hadn't even noticed his presence till he spoke.

"Harriet, don't even think about it."

"What?" she had asked turning around so quickly that her drink had spilled all over his suit. He laughed and wiped it off with a napkin, waving away her attempts at an apology.

"Going after the best friend of the man you just broke up with usually isn't considered appropriate," he whispered to her. She was so shocked that she couldn't even manage another "what?" She just stood there gaping at him.

"Harry, it isn't polite to stand with your mouth open like that," Wes said tapping her chin lightly so that her mouth snapped closed.

"No," she finally managed, but it sounded weak and even she didn't believe it.

"He loves you, you know. Please don't break his heart," he said and walked away. To this day she still doesn't know if he was talking about Matt or Danny and she's afraid to ask because she doesn't know what she wants the answer to be. Wes never said anything else to her, but whenever she was alone with Danny she always felt like he was watching them. She wonders if he's ever spoken about this with Danny, but she will never ask this.

The other person to notice was a reporter. It was at a press conference after she had been at Studio 60 for two and a half years, right before Matt and Danny quit. They had already gone over the important things and the reporters were just grasping at straws, hoping for any piece of gossip that could be thrown their way. Richard Baxter stood up and said in a loud voice "Miss Hayes are you involved or have you ever been involved in a romantic relationship with Mr. Tripp?"

She was so shocked by this that she actually said, "You mean Mr. Albie." The reporters had laughed at that, but Richard had persisted saying, "No, I'm asking if there are any romantic feelings between you and Danny." She then looked over at Danny who was bright red and staring at the floor. Matt was laughing and took over saying, "Yes, they actually ran away together last week. I was best man." Matt took everything as a joke even then and it was a brilliant save so she nodded and said, "Who wants to see the ring?"

Afterwards she cornered Richard and demanded (off the record of course) to know if he had heard a rumor about her and Danny. "Relax Harriet, you're safe. I just needed a joke from Matt. I was baiting him. No one knows." He walked away after that, leaving her standing in the middle of an empty hallway feeling like a complete idiot. Matt joked about it the entire night when they all went out to dinner. She smiled weakly and Danny wouldn't meet her eyes the entire time. That night she told Matt she was tired and wanted to get some sleep so he kissed her goodnight and laughed once more about her and Danny. She walked into her house, pulled out her cell phone, and hit speed dial for Danny. She hung up after one ring and fell onto her bed crying. She cried herself to sleep with the word "coward" playing over and over in her head.

They quit and everything changed. Suddenly she didn't see Matt and Danny in equal amounts, it was just Matt all the time. She loves him, she really does, but sometimes she gets this longing that she is too afraid to label. It isn't like she doesn't see Danny; it just is not the same. Finding excuses to see him is awkward and when they are alone together she feels as if she is doing something very wrong. They end up avoiding each other. Four years later she is incredibly ashamed when the first thing she thinks after breaking up with Matt is "I'm not going to see Danny anymore."

Then they're back. She's so confused and so angry at having to see Matt again that she barely even registers that she and Danny can go back to seeing each other every day. Yet, it is her anger at Matt that drives her insane. Then Jordan McDeere comes into the picture. She can't believe she didn't notice it. Matt noticed it and he is the most clueless person she knows. She likes her, that's the worst part. Jordan is beautiful, funny, smart, talented, and everything Danny should want in a woman. And he does want her. She has witnessed Danny going after girls before, but never like this. She is happy for him, at least this is what she tells herself whenever she sees them together.

Now Jordan may not survive and she and Luke broke up and she is so confused she thinks her head might explode. Danny wants her with Matt, or more accurately he wants Matt to be happy. She is happy when she is with Matt, but there is some other emotion whenever she is with Danny. Maybe if she just spoke to him about it, it would be resolved. Instead, it just hangs in the air like some toxic black cloud. Now, with her head on his lap she wishes she could go back to the beginning. She wishes that she had kissed him again when he dropped her off at her door eight years ago. She wishes she knew how she actually felt about him. She wishes she didn't love Matt so much so she could figure out how she felt about someone else. She wishes that Jordan would just wake up so that Danny can breathe again, because she also wants him to be happy. She wishes she weren't such a coward. But Harriet Hayes knows that wishes mean nothing, so she closes her eyes and prays for guidance. All she gets is Danny's hand on the top of her head. She really does wish she wasn't such a coward.


End file.
